I think I kind of got in a funk after my miscarriage in early April. Or maybe it was a full blown depression...I don't know, I have never dealt with that before. But this was my third miscarriage and by far the most difficult. I think because we actually had a picture of Baby Starks, and heard a heartbeat (even though it was low), so it was very real to me and my family. We were planning how to rearrange the rooms, I was throwing up throughout the day, and we just couldn't wait to become a family of 5. God had different plans....and I have finally gotten to the point to where I am ok with that!
I had gained about 10 lbs already....it sure doesn't take me long to inhale those extra calories:) So about 2 months ago I decided to take up running. I don't care as much about being thin, but I do want to be healthy and feel good about myself. I have signed up to run my first half marathon and ran 7 miles about 2 weeks ago. I know I can do it and am so glad to have something to work towards and feel so much better already. When I was working, I always felt guilty about doing something just for myself. I felt like every spare minute I had needed to be spent with the kids. Now that I am home with them all the time, I have no problem with leaving to go run for an hour. I NEED it!! It gives me some time by myself, and I think results in me being a better wife and mom. So running is one positive thing that has come from the miscarriage.
One big concern that I have had these past two months and have been praying about is how I would feel about Megs being pregnant and having her baby. I was so excited for her and anxious to meet baby Aubry, but at the same time it was hard being around her while she was pregnant knowing what we had just lost. I didn't want to take anything away from her special time and wanted to be just as excited for her as she had always been for me. She is a fabulous aunt and I just prayed that I could be the same. I didn't want my disappointments or sadness, to have any effect on her or my feelings for Aubry. Let me just say......God totally took care of that for me. I am head over heels in love with that sweet little girl and can't wait to get them home.
Aubry was born with an infection, that is causing her to stay in the hospital for an extended stay so she can get the medicine she needs to get better. She has an iv in her poor little head, and Megs and David just want her to be well and to go home. Again......not the scenario that they would have chosen for Aubry's arrival.....but God is in control and taking care of everything. I imagine this situation is just going to make them hug her a little tighter and love her a little bit more. I know it has done that for me! It also reminds me of the huge responsibility I have towards my kids and how important it is to make each day count. We are never guaranteed tomorrow, and I don't want to waste a single day. It is amazing to see the prayers going up for little Aubry and the visitors that are coming in and out of that room. She is so loved already and I am so proud of the family and support system that we all have. My parents have been a rock throughout all this and I pray that we are the same for our kids throughout the years. What an awesome example I have had!
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