Since this blog is basically a journal of our lives, I don't see anyway I can go without blogging about baby Starks. I just wish Starks would have more than one entry.....
About four weeks ago we got very exciting news! I found out we were pregnant!!! I actually had taken a test on a Sunday and the line was very faint. Kevin didn't really see anything and said we would just see. Well I waited another day or two and took a digital test. It said PREGNANT and I was beyond thrilled. We weren't sure if were going to have anymore babies and decided after the revival in January to just put it in God's hands. If he decided to bless us with another one than he would. I immediately called the doctor and got in the following week. We told our parents but no one else. I wasn't exactly sure how my sister would take it-I didn't want her to think I was trying to steal any of her thunder. (She was super excited for us when I told her, and I can't believe I even worried about it).
In a two week period I went to the doctor 4 times. They did an ultrasound at the first visit and I was too early for anything to show up. I was a little apprehensive but went back every other day for blood work for a week. My progesterone and hcg levels were doing exactly what they were supposed to be doing. Things were looking good and I was getting very excited. We still hadn't told the kids and we were trying to figure out where the baby would sleep. We had just redone both kids rooms at Christmas and it looked like someone was either going to have to downsize their room or be moved upstairs. It didn't matter though, we felt so very blessed!
It was time for me to have another ultrasound. Not only did I see a picture of my baby, but I heard the heartbeat! This was the first time to see a baby on the first try-I had a miscarriage before both Maddie and Turner. It was such a miracle and an exciting day. The ultrasound tech informed me that the heartbeat was on the low end of normal. She said it could be because I was still early. She did seem a little concerned, but I was determined to be positive and knew that everything was going to be ok. I was going to go back in another week for another ultrasound.
We had a picture of our baby so we decided to tell the kids. Excited is an understatement. Maddie would tell everyone she saw and if the baby was a boy she wanted to name him "Starks". She really wanted a brother because she said Megs was having Aubry for her to play with and Starks would be for Turner to play with. It was such a sweet time for the four of us to dream about a baby joining our family.
Let me say, during this time I started getting sick....really sick. I had forgotten what it was like to be pregnant. I stayed sick the whole time with M and T and I was already feeling pretty bad with baby Starks. My head always hurt, I was throwing up, and hungry all the time. It didn't take long for the symptoms to start. And it was so worth it!
Then we come to Wednesday. My next ultrasound......thankfully I had asked Kevin to take off work and come with me. As positive as I was being, the Lord must have been preparing for me what was to come. We walk in to the ultrasound and the first thing the tech asks me is if I have had any bleeding or cramping. Well, no...actually I have been getting sick the whole week. She said that was good. As soon as she began the ultrasound, I knew that Starks was no longer there. Our sweet baby had already gone to Heaven and we will never know Starks here on Earth.
We came home and told everyone and decided to send the kids to Nonna's for 2 days while I had a D&C. I was worried how the kids would take it and thought Savannah would take their minds of it and keep them happy. Maddie was upset for a minute, but in true child form bounced back really quick. I don't think Turner ever really knew what was going on. Maddie was upset because she didn't know if the baby was a boy or girl and she really wanted to name it Starks. I told her it didn't matter what the baby was, we were naming it Starks. She knows that Starks is living with Jesus and we will see the baby when we get to Heaven.
So this is where we are and the roller coaster we have been on for the past month. I feel like I am in a daze and hope to snap out of it soon. I don't know what the future holds for our family, but I know we are really blessed with two, and I want to enjoy every second of it with them. I am so thankful our friends and family who have been a huge support system throughout all this. We are sad, but we aren't broken and we know Baby Starks will be waiting for us when we enter the gates of Heaven one day. I'd say that is a pretty good reason to celebrate Easter Sunday and the fact that Jesus died for us so that one day we could go there!!! He is almost Risen!!
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